When painting, the particular tools have to suit the purpose at hand. Pastels, my favorite medium, range from hard to very soft. The degree of hardness impacts the way they make marks and interact with the painting surface. Thus, they are used in ways appropriate to the task at hand. Softly blended colors – the distant trees, faintly blued by atmospheric effect – call out for soft pastels. The graceful lines of bare branches glimpsed through foliage are served better by a harder pastel. Use the wrong tool for the job and it is an exercise in frustration.
Just so, the various ways in which we communicate with one another have their preferred and best-suited purposes. I write letters in long hand to some family and friends; email has its role. The humble text message is an absolute delight in its place. Its place is best described as the brief sharing of simple data:
Writing out Christmas cards, can’t find Uncle Lew’s new address
123 Orchard Street, Apt. A, S______, STATE, ZIP.
Thanks.
Or,
At the rest stop at US 19 and I-10, should be there in about 3 hours.
Great! See you then!
Or, perhaps, sharing a quick photo: a hummingbird, frozen in flight; a child in her sports uniform, a lovely sunset.
Text messages, on the other hand, are wretchedly inadequate for important conversations and emotional expressions beyond, “Love you! Have a good day!” sort of messages. They are inadequate for many reasons.
For one, they are brief. Unless you have the ability to reduce complex ideas to simple, yet not simplistic, expression with the elegance of C.S. Lewis, the affective concision of Yeats and the incisive observational skills of Shakespeare, give up the notion of effectively resolving complex interpersonal issues via text. We are, none of us, up to the task.
Worse, when we misstep, believing ourselves to be abundantly clear, we cannot see, or hear, the nuances of small muscle movements, pupil changes, swallowing, breathing, voice tone and volume, that alert us to make corrective efforts. Instead, our misstep is enshrined in visible form, to be reviewed and the misunderstanding (or all-too-clear awfulness) revisited and engraved into the heart and mind of the recipient, as well as anyone with whom they share it in an attempt to justify themselves in their rage and hurt.
You might say, well, the same can be said for email (right) and for the older, handwritten letter. For the latter, until fairly recently, writing was laborious: a pen to be perpetually sharpened and wiped; liquid ink to let dry. Even now, the arm and hand movements of script engage more of the brain, slow the process, and thus allow time to reflect before dashing off a reactive and possibly toxic response.
Many clients have explored in session the dilemma of family members demanding a text message interaction to address – now! – some emotionally rich and complex issue. I urge them, and everyone, to resist giving in to the juvenile and narcissistic insistence that something of apparent critical import be reduced to text messages. It is quite common for people to demand immediate exchange via text, repeatedly insisting you explain yourself (or whatever it is they require). If it cannot be face to face, at least do so via voice when both people are rested, sober and have time. Audible clues of tone, volume, steadiness and rhythm can help you assess how the conversation is going. If you are dealing with a reasonable person, refuse to have serious dialogue via text. If you are dealing with someone who is unpredictably volatile, irrational, or substance-using, potentially violent, seek appropriate safety and guidance.
So, what to do? There are multiple right answers here, of course; feel free to enter into a text message discussion of why you dislike your sibling’s fiancé, or don’t want your in-laws at the birthday party, or are upset about your child’s fifth undergraduate major in three years. I’d recommend against it. I offer, as a starter set, a few options to firmly, and lovingly, employ as you refuse to play the “text message” game.
“I love you too much to have a conversation about something clearly this important to you by text. Let’s figure a time when we can both be well-rested and ready to talk.”
“This sounds like a topic best discussed face to face. When would be a good time for you?”
“I’m glad you let me know this is something we need to address. When can we discuss?”
The possibility exists that you are dealing with someone, including someone you love, who is emotionally immature. Perhaps they demand, imagining they need, immediate gratification in terms of “resolution”. By resolution, they may mean getting you to agree they are right or bullying you into capitulating in some other way. At worst, they may be willing to cancel you if you stumble through an awkward and unexpected conversation. If you love someone this immature, whether friend or partner or family member, it is a sad state of affairs. Still, giving in and trying to have emotionally complex conversations by text message (or email) will ineluctably lead to misunderstandings that can be read and reinforced in perpetuity. Just refuse.
Because, of course, you love them too much to reduce their concerns to a mere text message.