Cutting off Mom and Dad, Part 3

…and now we come to the final installment (so far) in my
wonderings about this strange phenomenon of parent rejection by adult children.
So far, I have tried to spread the responsibility around: the infantilization
of young adults by many institutions, the culture at large, and parents.  Now it is the young people’s turn.

It is my observation (granted, limited to some review of the
literature, professional trainings and clinical experience – over a quarter
century) that it is not usually the abused children who grow up and cut off
their parents. This seems odd, doesn’t it? If a child who was tortured decided
to cut off contact, we could understand, even support the healthy distancing.

It is much more typical for the young person who simply does
not want to be bothered to cut off the parent or parents. Quite often it seems
to be one parent; a widowed mother, typically, which makes me suspicious that
the possibility of some sort of responsibility drives the distancing.  I am sorry to be that cynical, but so it
sometimes seems.  Other themes seem to be
that the parent doesn’t just pat the child on the head for every decision, or
the parent has different political opinions, or religious beliefs.

If you are an adult, then surely you have developed the
capacity to tolerate the presence of people different than you; it appears to
be a matter of pride to young adults, especially, to be open-minded about
people’s differences, to refuse to allow even stunningly foundational
differences in values to be barriers to mutual respect. If that is the case, if
you think of yourself as tolerant, then surely you can tolerate the fact that
your parents, or grandparents, or aunts or uncles or other relatives, no doubt
have different ideas than you (and from one another). It may come as a surprise
to you that your parents, whom you may see as some monolith of monotony,
actually disagree with one another. A lot. The research indicates married
couples disagree on about two thirds of the stuff of life, or more; they just
have figured out, I hope, how to live and let live on these disagreements and
how to work with the few that are pretty significant areas. 

Are you afraid? Afraid that you cannot properly defend your
own positions, operationalizing your terms and pointing to data, rather than
feelings, and that interacting with your parent(s) will be an exercise in
losing an argument and feeling like a fool? 

Are you afraid to simply listen to try to understand more of
their opinion, meaning the information and experiences that support that
stance?

Are you afraid that staying close to aging parents will mean
being stuck with them, having to take care of them, when you are carefully
curating your life to minimize responsibility?

Are you afraid you will die of boredom if you have to listen
one more time to their ramblings about the events of their lives, which may
actually not be any more ennui-producing than your own (have you wasted a chunk
of your life bingeing a fictional series lately or playing video games?).

Are you afraid that they will keep trying to get you to
change and you are tired of explaining to them that your
job/partner/reproduction plans are not up for discussion?

Are you afraid to set boundaries, including the boundaries
of discretion? Surely you do not talk about everything with every friend; in
the same way, it can be very wise to discern what topics to discuss with whom.
If your definition of family means “people who have to accept and agree with
everything about me,” then even something as simple as dietary differences (the
omnivore and vegan siblings, for example) will necessitate cutting off a family
member when all you had to do was not rave on and on about the great steak you
grilled last weekend or stop talking about murder when you are sharing a meal.

Cutting off family without very strong grounds to do so is a
red flag. If your friends have done so, consider their reasons; if this is how
they treat the people who sacrificed for them in ways they may not yet
understand, exactly how solid is the rock you stand on with these friends? Can
you really count on them to be there, helping to clean up after you have
vomited, for the zillionth time, during chemo? To show up for you when there is
a death, or a birth, and in the long months of change and bewilderment
afterwards? To take a day off and drive you to and from having your wisdom
teeth out, or a colonoscopy, or whatever else has to happen – and the medical
office will not release you to a ride share service?

The family cut-off is a tragedy, under the best and most
reasonable of circumstances. The dangerous parents might need to be cut off,
for the sake of their children and grandchildren. It is heartbreaking that life
had to come to this, but it may be necessary. That is not something to be done
lightly, indifferently, or without serious reflection of how this decision will
play out in the decades to come.

Thanks for reading –

Cutting off Mom and Dad, Part 2

As previously explored, the culture undermines parent-child relationships. One way is the manipulation of expectations of normalcy. Young adults are frequently told to believe that anything less than absolute, craven praise and approval, of anything, is some sort of miserable toxicity and not to be borne. The relationship must be severed, even with parents.

On the flip side, many parents feel that their position as parent gives them license to offer criticism, advice, and endless commentary on their adult child’s habits, clothes, parenting, etc.  If you are financing an adult child, then I would suggest you tell your child what you will do – not what the adult child will do. You can’t make them do anything, but you can control yourself.  A self-sufficient adult who lives on their own, paying their own way, and raising a healthy, well-adjusted child does not need unsolicited advice or undermining, either.

If you’re thinking, reading this, that you jolly well can make them do something – well, actually, no, not without force.  We parents specialize in saying things that can’t be enforced, silly things like yelling at a toddler, “You’re going to get in there and go to sleep right now!” The average three-year-old has figured out you can’t make her go to sleep; and if you do anything that forces sleep, and I find out, I will report you to Child Protective Services. A three-year-old is portable:  you can pick them up and transport them to their bed, over and over, but the command to sleep is just a waste of syllables.

Sometimes, fellow parents, you may be grieving. You had your child, and you had dreams. You imagined a long future, that child’s adulthood, and the ideal fantasy of whatever your engagement with that child’s future life would be.  I was hoping for a shared private practice (we had discussed this, to be fair!) and lots of hands-on times with grandchildren and spent a couple of decades amassing cookie cutters and art supplies that seldom needed, and given away with much grief, grief not for the things but for the unfulfilled dreams. Instead, I have an adult child of whom I am immensely proud who lives many hours away, and that means her husband and their lovely child are far away, too.  I don’t get to impose my dream, or a guilt trip about my unfulfilled dream, on them. Doing so would be foolish and unfair, and reduce the likelihood I can enjoy what I have, which is far more than many people have, and a situation that those who are involuntarily childless would envy.

So…this set of posts on family cut-offs doesn’t solve anything. I don’t have any big, smart solutions or a therapy intervention that will take away the pain of alienation from the very people for whom you would willingly die. Perhaps it can open up some ideas for reflection, or conversation. If you are an adult who has cut off a parent, please reconsider, seriously and prayerfully, on whether their behavior warrants that wall of silence. If you are a parent, wondering what you have done, perhaps there is room to change the ways in which you try to influence or even make demands on someone who does not belong to you.  Perhaps there is nothing to be done except wait and pray, which comprise tremendous power in the long run.  What to pray? I do not know. I can tell you how I pray, across all relationships: family, friends, clients, students, our leaders, our enemies…that both the other party, and I, be open to becoming who God wants us to be. Amen.

Cutting off Mom and Dad, Part 1

We were talking about families, generally, over breakfast.

“I don’t know why family therapy isn’t held in greater esteem,” my husband commented. “Look at what things are like for families…people are really struggling.”

I agreed with the struggling. And, yes, it would be nice if family therapy were more respected. It is rich with the integration of lifespan development, evolutionary psychology, personality, temperament, and culture. Family psychology and family therapy seem to be the neglected child in the world of mental health. Yet every theory of development, and most personality theories, see the family and early life experiences as foundational to the development of the adult person.  How we attach to others, the ease of trust, our expectations of the world, are all rooted in life experiences, particularly those early life experiences most often lived in the context of family.

Well, of course, if we emphasize family then we are saying family is important, pivotal, vital. And that, it seems, flies in the face of much of the mainline culture.

I will take one small slice for now: the bizarre movement to cut off parents who were not, and are not, abusive, neglectful, cruel, or so otherwise dysfunctional that remaining in active relationship with them would be endangering to one’s safety and/or sanity. There seems to have been, over the past few years, a growing movement in this regard. I have spoken with people, and read books by professionals, on both sides of these issues: the grieving parent and the disgruntled adult child; the professionals who attempt to help parents bridge the gap or, if that is impossible, to heal from the grief, and the therapists whose main lens is the toxic relationship that will only hurt you until you extricate yourself.

Are there cruel, abusive and destructively manipulative parents? Yup. And, likewise, selfish, cold and manipulative adult children, too.  And my somewhat limited professional experience (I’ve been in this field about 30 years) is that sometimes children who cut off parents did not have abusive, cruel parents. Sometimes, people cut off parents who did not do what the child wished, did not read their minds, did not feel obliged to agree and praise everything their child did.

And here we come to a piece of the culture guaranteed to undermine the family: the demand that people validate and accept whatever one thinks, feels, and does as indisputably “okay” because it is how we “feel,” etc. Well, now we have a problem that any family therapist could easily explain.

Mommies, generally, give children the majority of early care.  They provide unconditional love and approval because, as Dr. Jordan Peterson often points out, infants are “always right.” If the baby is crying, the baby is right: something needs attention, swiftly, lovingly and gently! That loving care must come even if baby is colicky, pukey, poopy, or otherwise quite disagreeable.  The baby is, after all, always right. However, this stage of life passes, and then Daddy’s influence increases: Daddies specialize in unconditional love with conditional approval. “I love you, and the room is a mess. Get going on it, kid. Here, I’ll give you a hand.”

This coordinated approach works great: it prepares children for the real world, where people have expectations and you can’t just do “whatever” and then complain it’s how you feel, and have everyone act shame-faced, shrug and say, Oh, OK. If that’s how you feel. Whatever.  Children benefit from the solid backing of both parents’ love, and the experience that disapproval of how I behave does not mean I am not loved. It means my behavior probably needs improvement.

The world, or the part of it to which children and young adults are often exposed, plays another tune. The modern message is that the relentlessly approving gaze of a nursing mother ought to be the perspective of parents forever, across all circumstances. That is a set-up to disrupt and undermine the family.

And it appears to be working terrifically.

A child goes off to college and is enlightened about…it matters not.  Politics, nutrition, whatever. They realize their parents are abject idiots. Worse, their parents may be bad and ill-intentioned because, look! A younger sibling is being raised in a religious/liberal/conservative/omnivore/vegetarian/whatever home. Big sibling becomes disrespectful towards the parents, dismissive, and undercuts them in an attempt to rescue little sibling from the fate of growing up in the same family.

Or, a young adult who is apparently sliding along, perhaps in perpetual adolescence, shifting from goal to goal, engaged with street pharmacology or alcohol, resents the parent who dares express concern and perhaps even the intent to turn off the money tap. Anger, resentment, and accusations flare; the young person demands parental fealty, blames the parents, and the parents, afraid of losing the relationship, are tempted to cave and pretend that a ten-year cycle of major changes in undergraduate school is just okay. It wouldn’t be okay even if the young person was the one financing it with their series of so-not-serious jobs; it would still be a waste of talent and youth.

In short, the mainstream culture offers the illusion that new-mommy bottomless approval is what is normal for adults. Do parents contribute to the problem of parent/child alienation? Absolutely; and that will be a story for another day.

Christmas all year ’round

‘Tis the season.  My Christmas tree is still up – it is, after all, still Christmas time. This is not a diatribe about people who tear down Christmas before the turkey or ham is cold; I understand that for many people, this holiday season was terrible, a time when loss was rubbed into their face. For them, simply going through the motions of the holiday was an act of profound and sustained moral courage.

No, I am reflecting on the reminders of Christmas that will be up in my home all year.  This is not new, and not unique. It reflects the profound Incarnation, and the love and hope that flow from that.  The little clay Holy Family we bought in San Antonio sits on a shelf beside the front door: it is more than a souvenir and more than the gratification of seeing Jesus, Mary and Joseph with skin closer to Semitic tan than impossibly pale, northwestern European.  It is, most of all, a reminder that the Eternal Word who “When He fixed the foundations of the earth, I was beside Him as artisan; I was His delight day by day, playing before Him all the while, playing over the whole of His earth, and having delight with human beings,” (Proverbs 8:29-31) came among us in, reminding of us the dignity of life even in that humility and weakness.

And as the year rolls on, and the oppressiveness of world events bears down on us, we need a star. Without remembering, deliberately and meditatively, the implications of the inexplicable event we celebrate at Christmas, the darkness can seem to be winning, and yet, “The Light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.” (John, 1:5). Looking at the news, it seems unlikely that things are apt to improve out there anytime soon. And so, as always, I am prepared for the annual summer revival, stirring afresh the wonder of the Incarnation. Sometime in July, when the heat of summer seems to have made the world even angrier, a hidden bag of peppermint bark will emerge, and Christmas music will be played, loudly, in defiance of what seems to be ever-growing darkness.

It is particular Christmas music: starting, necessarily, with Mannheim Steamroller’s “Deck the Halls.” If you know the performance, you understand. If not, it bears some explanation. This is no “ho, ho, ho” or “jingle those bells” type of “Deck the Halls.” It is the tune as it is meant to be played: the triumphant preparation for the arrival of the King, a blast of victorious celebration. It could be the sound of the creatures of Narnia preparing for Aslan’s conquering return. It is a song that, when Steamroller opens with it, has the crowd standing and cheering – to the apparent amazement of the musicians.

If it sounds as if it could be helpful, this summer, when the city streets are on fire and the news cycle is bleak, have a bit of Incarnational reawakening. Leave a reminder of Christmas out all year.  Play some music to stir your soul, and remember that, “The Word became flesh and made His dwelling among us.” (John 1:14).

What’s up with that?

Why do you do what you do?

No, seriously. Why do you do what you do, whatever it is that you do?

Could you get a bit obsessive about this question? I suppose so. But it is worth asking, over and over again.

You got out of bed at whatever time it was. Why? For what purpose?

Why did you eat and drink what you ate and drank? Or, why did you choose not to eat?

What did you put on your body to wear out into the world, to tell other people about you, your tastes, and your intentions?  Why those messages, and not some other messages? Why are those the messages you choose to give to the world?

Why did you go to work? Why did you choose that work?

Why did you behave that way, and not some other way, towards whatever persons you encountered along the way?

Why, why, why, why.  Sometimes it is important to take a step back and ask that defense-raising question of yourself, repeatedly, digging in.

Well, why, you might ask, and it is a worthwhile question.  Asking ourselves “why” is very important, because, if we drill down far enough, we come down to whether or not we have decided upon a central principle, a guiding ethic, a core belief that allows us to direct our behavior with cohesion and authenticity towards our purpose.  If you don’t have a “why,” you are less focused than the average toddler. A toddler can be remarkably determined in pursuing her goals, despite an inability to clearly articulate the “why” for coloring on the walls or giving Teddy Bear a bath in the toilet. 

For religious people, the central “why” comes down to a covenantal relationship with the Lord and, for Christians, a relationship with Jesus, the Christ.  That is the “why.”

Why get out of bed on time? Because an orderly life (ordered to what is best) requires self-discipline and routine, and honoring one’s legitimate commitments to others.

Why be kind to the barista, the cashier, the slowly shambling person in front of you on the sidewalk? Because they, like you, are a child of God and your rooted relationship with Him requires you to treat others as His children, too.

Why be honest with someone when you know it will be ill-received – the student whose work is apparently plagiarized, the employer asking you to do the unethical, the adult family member who is drinking in excess? Because it is important to be truthful, to not allow dishonesty to muddy the waters of relationships and to let yourself slip into that mud out of fear of conflict. Because your relationship with the Lord requires you to act honestly, justly, and with love.

Wishing you a new year full of the joy of discovering beautiful “why’s” in your life!

Taking it to the mats

What ever happened to giving someone some grace?  Or being tolerant?

As regular readers, I occasionally page through popular magazines just to see what sort of toxins are floating around in the public sphere.  It’s less time-consuming and annoying than hours of screen time. Between what I read, and what I hear from those on the receiving end of what is often cruelty, there is a whole lot less tolerance in these self-referentially oh-so-tolerant times than in the past. Often supposedly tolerant people demand that any disagreement be taken to the mats, verbally if not physically.

To be clear, I am talking about disagreements between people where there is no violence or threat of violence. I am not talking about adopting a “live and let live” attitude about child abuse or elder exploitation or criminal acts. I wonder where tolerance and grace went when it comes to the people we encounter in nonviolent settings in our daily lives.

A simple little example was an advice columnist’s suggestion that dealing with an annoying “friend” who calls during work hours and drains your energy and time with daily drama should comprise a formal sit-down in which you express how their thoughtless behavior impacts your feelings and your work, and expect some sort of mature, measured apology.  I am practical. My guidance would be along these lines: this is your “friend.” Surely you noticed before this that she seemingly has the thoughtlessness and flimsy self-control of a spoiled tween.  You accepted the friendship under those terms; she hasn’t changed. You have. Stop taking calls or looking at texts from her during work. What kind of job allows you to chat with friends on the employer’s dime?  Call her back when it’s convenient. And, if you choose to be friends with her, accept that she is as she is. She will be immature and you will have to set boundaries. Sure, tell her you can’t be interrupted at work. But you and I both know that having a nice little sit-down with her isn’t worth the aggravation. Imagine the flood of drama, spilling and splashing all over the table at the coffee shop.

In families, people disagree. At Thanksgiving, if you are fortunate enough to have family and friends with whom you can gather, people will have differing opinions. At least one of them may have misplaced their tolerance or drowned it in some substance of abuse. What to do? You might have fun arguing. My late cousin George, who had Soviet bullet fragments in his leg from his teenage adventures helping people escape from East Berlin, would take a perspective he didn’t necessarily agree with, for the entertainment of developing and defending a position, and do it with a twinkle in his eye. You might find that stressful; your plan may be to discreetly go do some dishes because “here s/he goes again.”  You might enlist at least one ally in a plan to divert and change topics if the intolerant person who expects everyone else to be tolerant starts pontificating. You might decide to politely express your perspective. Depending on the people present, any of those may be prudent.

Some people implode relationships foolishly. I know people who were cut off on the flimsiest of rationale; because they are “too negative,” or “worry too much.”  People cut off parents because their parents do not “support” (as in overtly cheer and brag about) their adult child’s career choice, tattoos, or other decisions.  And, conversely, parents cut off adult children.  In cases where people are dangerous, or truly disruptive (the addicted adult child who breaks in and steals from the parents; the abusive parent; the family member who is aggressive and belligerent about their cause-du-jour, as examples) then yes, safety and sanity require appropriate distance-setting. This is sad, even when necessary.

I’m not an appeaser or a door mat. When it comes to disagreements, I think that freedom requires that we live and let live in peace (that’s what tolerance used to mean) until the circumstances are such that it is necessary. Necessary means that an expectation for compliance is placed upon me, a demand that I change my mind or pretend to agree with something I find false.  It is necessary when harm is being done, is threatened, or is imminent. That is when it is important to speak up, calmly and rationally, to base my position in fact and refuse to play silly word games. Speak calmly, peacefully, firmly and succinctly, refusing to pretend. That would be a way to “take it to the mats.”

Paraphrasing St. Francis of Assisi – Peace and every good to you.

I could tell you, but you’re not going to like it: Anxious Youth

As you know, this column isn’t intended as psychotherapy or professional advice. It’s information and entertainment, and, I hope, the spark for some conversation with someone who can help with a problem. The problem here is anxiety in all its forms.

According to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America, about 31.9% of youth have some sort of anxiety disorder.  This would include diagnoses such as generalized anxiety, separation anxiety, panic disorder, and trauma disorders. It’s hard to believe this is accurate; if it is, then as a culture, things have gone horribly wrong. 

We know a lot about what works, and what doesn’t work for anxiety.  Isolation, the vortex of doom the internet can be, the misguided or malevolent support of random strangers online, endless social networking, and a sedentary, sleep-starved, junk-fed existence don’t work.  Overscheduling doesn’t work. Avoidance doesn’t work. Irresponsibility doesn’t work. So do the opposite.

Get off the devices except for schoolwork.

Get enough sleep. Go to bed at a set time, get up at a set time. Every day, even weekends.

Cut down on activities.

Read real books. Learn about other people’s interior lives via good fiction (that’s a primary reason that we read classic literature in school; to understand more about how other people think, feel, and respond to life’s events). Then talk about them. That means parents should read them, too.

Get physical activity.  A healthy young person needs at least two hours of activity a day, and ought to be standing, moving around, and active a big chunk of the rest of the time.  

Learn useful skills.  For example, everything it will take to manage one’s own money, car and home.

Socialize in person, often while doing something purposeful (whether that’s a sport, volunteering, or other activity).

Spend a lot of time in nature. If it can’t happen just about every day, plan a four- or five-hour chunk on the weekend.

Have chores and responsibilities for young people.  No, “school is not their job” and therefore nothing else is to be done around the house. How are they going to learn necessary life skills? Plus, who wants a spouse or roommate who thinks going to work covers them for any contribution to home and family life?

Learn mindfulness meditation skills, to slow down the stress response and “step back” from anxiety-provoking thoughts. This facilitates the cognitive restructuring of cognitive-behavioral therapy, in which new ways of thinking and behaving are identified and rehearsed.

…and try cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), preferably with at least one parent learning, too, to be coach and to help the parent. Anxious parents tend to teach their children fear-fueled ways of thinking and behaving, and anxious parents are apt to facilitate avoidance.  Avoidance is like jet fuel for anxiety. Find a licensed mental health professional who will work with you as a family to teach the skills. Keep in mind that CBT will work much better if the other parts of life are in healthy, working order – proper sleep, nutrition, exercise, etc.

To expand on an earlier point: parents, often your anxiety feeds your child’s anxiety. If you are behaving as if the world is a terrible, dangerous place, do not be surprised if your child responds the same way.  Making changes together to have a healthier, less anxious lifestyle will help the whole family.

I could tell you, but you’re not going to like it: Why doesn’t she leave?

Hint: whatever the reason is, odds are, she’s not “codependent.”

Your much-loved friend, your sister, your cousin – someone precious to you – is in a hellish relationship. Not a call-the-police violent relationship, but something similar: a toxic, gaslighting, crazy-making mess of a relationship that whirls up and down and around like a psychological roller coaster from Hell.  One day she’s fine, the next she’s a weepy, shaky, self-doubting shadow of her usual self. Over the days, weeks, or months, you’ve watched her change from confident, funny and insightful to anxious, depressed, maybe even physically ill. You can tell the problem is her partner; everyone can. Why can’t she?

I’m using the female pronouns because, although the torment can flow in either direction, research and the experts in the field indicate the pattern tends towards the victims being female and the dark-triad partner being male. 

Dark triad types – more often male, with antisocial, narcissistic, and Machiavellian traits, and often sadism thrown in – prey on victims. They assess the prey and find the way to quickly gain her trust.  The typical prey makes this easy, because it is her positive personality traits that will now make her vulnerable to this predator. The relationship started out fast – intense, a burst of attraction and an amazing number of similarities. In retrospect, you think, too amazing. The “too good to be true” turned out to be, well, untrue.  The cycle of drama – accusations, fights, threats of abandonment, and, ironically, your friend seeking forgiveness sometimes – keeps her off balance, on the ropes, without enough peace to think things through.

Very often, the women who find themselves in relationship with manipulative, emotionally and psychologically abusive, and often financially exploitative and sexually manipulative men, are the people you’d love to have for a good friend. They are high in the personality traits comprising the primary traits of Agreeableness and Conscientiousness.  Agreeableness includes traits such as friendliness, honesty, a willingness to put others first, and nurturing.  Conscientiousness includes loyalty, perseverance, and dedication. These people are often great parents and wonderful friends. These traits bite them in the butt when a predator exploits those very strengths to draw the woman into, and keep her in, a chaotic relationship that never settles down enough for her to have time to reflect and figure out what might be going on. Sometimes, her best hope is that she starts feeling like she’s going crazy and seeks therapy…and finds a therapist who sees, not codependence and a victim’s participation in the dysfunction to meet some unhealthy psychological need, but a person whose strengths have, in this unusual situation, become a trap.

Maybe you wonder, reading this, how good traits can be a trap…just think about your own history. Were you ever the team-member, at school or work, who dutifully did your share and more, while others slacked off and still got the shared credit? Has your loyalty been exploited by a “friend?”  Have you loaned money to a friend or family member on a word and a handshake – only to be avoided, and unpaid, later?

Part of the trap for your friend will be, ironically, compassion for the predatory partner, who has probably included in his story a carefully curated tale portraying him as a noble and heroic victim.  Her compassion, nurturing and desire to be helpful (those great-mom, great-friend characteristics) now propel her into fix-him mode.  His anger at her can all too easily be interpreted through the lens of his pain and frustration. Out of care for what she believes is a suffering fellow human being, she gets tangled in self-blaming, guilt and confusion. She easily believes his supposed distrust of her that seems to erupt out of nowhere is due to his attachment wounds, and buys into a notion that patient endurance and reassurance will heal him. And yet…sometimes he just lashes out, apropos nothing, and then denies anything even happened.  He berates her and tells her later she’s exaggerating, overreacting, imagining things. Stop making up lies about me, he rages.

So, if she wonders, half-rhetorically, on the few times you manage to see her alone, if she’s “going crazy,” don’t agree. Don’t accuse her of being codependent.  Listen, actively.  Gently question her: is it okay that he keeps texting while the two of you, who have known each other forever, have a cup of coffee? Does he do this a lot? Share your observations and concern for her (not criticism or blaming). Ask what keeps her in the relationship and, if she admits to feeling trapped, be kind and firm in your assurance that she has people to help her. She is not trapped, no matter how stuck she might feel.

The manipulative partner creates so much emotional turmoil and distress that it becomes almost impossible for the victim to think clearly.  Part of this is because of the cognitive dissonance the victim feels: the confusion and distress of holding conflicting thoughts of this magnitude: On one side are the “good” beliefs about the partner because of their seemingly perfect match and on the other, the anguished, distrustful, terrified thoughts because of the confusion of demands, accusations and threatened abandonment.  Your friend probably can’t think straight – for now – but, again, it isn’t because there is something “wrong” with her.  She is in the midst of a prolonged trauma.

Thus, the most obvious (to you) parts of a solution may seem overwhelming or impossible.  Moving the abuser out of her place? Not impossible.  Moving her out of the abuser’s place? Not impossible. While she may feel unable to cope with the finances, her pet rabbit/dog/cat/bird, and the task of moving possessions, her concerned friends and family can easily help slice this problem into manageable pieces.  Someone has a guest room or garage apartment or mother-in-law suite; someone can foster her pet at their home while the dust settles; someone has a truck for everyone to gather and load up so she doesn’t have to face the process alone; someone can coach her through changing all her passwords and un-merging her phone, etc., from the partner.

This situation is heartbreaking to endure. Keep reaching out; do not give up on your friend/family member/cousin.  Maybe it’s even worth having a little movie night – without her partner – to watch the classic film, Gaslight, starring Charles Boyer and Ingrid Bergman.

I could tell you #3: Screening the Screens

#3 in a series: I can tell you, but you’re not going to like it.

Once again, I’m the fun-killer, offering information for your recreational purposes that you might not like hearing.

Thus far, I’ve discussed getting more sleep and more physical activity as ways to help children who seem restless, unhappy, unable to focus (except for electronics, usually).  If you have been experimenting with those changes – perhaps for your children, perhaps for yourself – and a few weeks have gone by, I suspect you have noticed a few changes.

You may be sleeping better and waking up more rested and alert. You may be naturally less reliant on caffeine and high-sugar foods to wake up or to get through your day.  If you were tracking it, you might also notice that you are spending less recreational time with electronics. If you were managing these changes for a child, you experienced some degree of pushback, possibly to the level of an addict being denied their drug of choice, because the brain becomes addicted to the rewards of social media, video games, etc., and it will take time to replace that addiction with healthy patterns.  If you were able to persist, within a few weeks you probably noticed positive changes in mood and behavior.

Some studies have supported the approach of adding positive changes before taking things away. For example, if a person needs to quit smoking, eat healthier and exercise, success is most likely to accrue if exercise is added first. This becomes an additional reward and incentive, and can help buffer the withdrawal from nicotine as well as withdrawal from addictive, highly processed foods. In that spirit, it seems it could be easier to have begun helping a child heal from the cultural damages that contribute to anxiety, depression, attentional problems, etc. by adding positive things (sleep, exercise and play) before directly taking away negative things (specifically, the largely unsupervised world of the online universe).

If your child has any unsupervised screen time, it is almost guaranteed they are seeing things you do not know they are seeing or want them to see. End of story. You think you have adequate controls, and firewalls; and somewhere far away, people with far more expertise in technology than most of us are busily creating pathways to circumvent parental controls.

As I have shared in other columns, one of my little escapes in a long work day may be a two to four-minute clip off the internet of some old movie: a dance scene from Mary Poppins, a short scene from Much Ado About Nothing, a few moments of Branagh’s Henry V, the latter not cheery but stunningly well done and quite grounding, as examples. These are my typical fare: dancing penguins, singing suffragettes and Shakespeare, but sometimes up will come next some horrible thing – R-rated, violent, hideous – so terrible that even shutting it down immediately is too much exposure.  From this I hypothesize that if you think your kiddo is happily watching perfectly clean children’s videos and do not supervise, you don’t know. You do not know whether some horror or corruption that was carefully created and marked with the right key words to intrude on that corner of the market is slipping into the stream.

Under the best of circumstances, if it were an hour or two of tap-dancing penguins, it is on too much time to surrender to passive entertainment without being selective. Most people will not just absent-mindedly pick up any book and read it for a couple of hours and then look up, surprised and resentful, when interrupted for food or water or homework. The internet, however, is something else: the endless parade of “talking” kittens, so-called “influencers” and worse contrive to steal time every day from many people. It’s not all bad, of course; I listen to educational lectures when I’m on the stationary bicycle six days a week. I’ve encouraged people to watch “The Chosen.” I’m in favor of well-researched educational programming. I’ve done car repairs under the tutelage of a mechanic on Youtube and am still stumbling through beginner Spanish with the internet, too.

If you are unconvinced about the use of the internet, watch the documentary, “The Social Dilemma.”

Cutting back on tech time is hard. You’re probably not, initially, going to like it, and odds are your child will fight you – hard.  We’re talking about your child’s well-being: their physical health, mental health, intellectual development and social skills. It’s worth the trouble. Try adding the deliberate reduction of entertainment with electronics to the improved sleep and physical activity habits.  Then see what happens.

My child is “hyperactive” Part 2: Move it!

Post 2 in a series: I COULD TELL YOU, BUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO LIKE IT © 2023

Once again, for purely entertainment purposes, I foray into the world of possible changes to be made to your, and perhaps your child’s, routine to maximize well-being. Be sure to consult a health professional before undertaking new activities.

My child is hyperactive, part 2:  Move it!

I am using “hyperactive” in quotation marks because, over the past 25+ years, many parents have offered this as their diagnosis of their children. When asked to describe the behaviors, they talk about poor attention, disorganization, disobedience, moodiness, lost homework and missing sports equipment, etc. It is this type of description, not the medical diagnosis per se, that I address here.

Human beings are designed to move: to walk, bend, stretch, jump, hop, climb, and more. We are able to throw things, build things, swim, dance, and then, when weary, sit and rest.  Follow a healthy preschooler around for a few hours and you’ll get the idea:  explore, play hard, stop when you’re ready to rest. Modern life seems to have it backwards:  most people’s lives involve a preponderance of sitting and far too little standing and moving. This is unhealthy for most people (of course, some people have serious health limitations) and even worse for healthy children. To expect children to sit still for many hours is a recipe for attention and behavior issues as well as developmental challenges.

My paperwork for new clients includes questions on sleep, exercise, and basic health, because these habits help shape mental health, too. These also can highlight if mental health care needs to be coordinated with their physician due to physical conditions that can impact mental health.  Obviously, we function best when our habits encourage physical and mental well-being.

In my last post, I challenged parents to take a hard look at their family’s sleep habits and work towards healthy changes. Perhaps by now you and your child have been experimenting with getting adequate sleep.  A second step towards a healthier, happier child with better focus, memory and mood is physical activity.  The American Heart Association recommends at least one hour per day of moderate to vigrous physical activity for children and teens. That means running, jumping, playing games, riding a bicycle, dancing, etc. It doesn’t mean a two-hour practice in which they spend 30 minutes on the field and 90 on the bench, waiting their turn.  Ideally, it includes plenty of free interactive play with other children and some with parents. It is this play, which requires physical activity and complex social skills, that enhances brain development the best and prepares children for the increasingly complex world of the workplace.  It includes the kind of rough-and-tumble play children traditionally have had primarily with fathers, in which the father would model how to pause and calm down before things get out of hand. Rough and tumble play without limits becomes “The Lord of the Flies” and grotesque gang violence. Life without play leads to passivity, poor social skills, poor physical health and higher risk for anxiety, depression, insomnia, and loneliness.

If your family pediatrician has cleared your child for physical activity, it is imperative to get moving. Your next task will be to find ways for your child or children to have more unstructured play time with children, and more outdoor activities with you, too. That will seem inconvenient, especially if you have your children overscheduled and accustomed to being moved from place to place and activity to activity, their entire lives carefully curated to keep them under the direct management of adults.

Go to the park and get on the swings, use the jungle gym, the climbing wall, the workout stands around the periphery. You might have to participate at first, just to show them how it’s done.  Take nature walks. Put the phones away; have yours along to take pictures of interesting animals and plants to look up together later, after you’re home.

Like the change to the sleep routine, expect push-back. Be consistent and see what happens. I suspect that, once your child is on a normal sleep schedule for a few weeks, and has adequate active play, you will see some interesting changes in behavior.   As a side benefit, screen time naturally is reduced:  children who are active outdoors and getting enough sleep have less time to be drugged by their screens.

Have fun playing!