Hint: whatever the reason is, odds are, she’s not “codependent.”
Your much-loved friend, your sister, your cousin – someone precious to you – is in a hellish relationship. Not a call-the-police violent relationship, but something similar: a toxic, gaslighting, crazy-making mess of a relationship that whirls up and down and around like a psychological roller coaster from Hell. One day she’s fine, the next she’s a weepy, shaky, self-doubting shadow of her usual self. Over the days, weeks, or months, you’ve watched her change from confident, funny and insightful to anxious, depressed, maybe even physically ill. You can tell the problem is her partner; everyone can. Why can’t she?
I’m using the female pronouns because, although the torment can flow in either direction, research and the experts in the field indicate the pattern tends towards the victims being female and the dark-triad partner being male.
Dark triad types – more often male, with antisocial, narcissistic, and Machiavellian traits, and often sadism thrown in – prey on victims. They assess the prey and find the way to quickly gain her trust. The typical prey makes this easy, because it is her positive personality traits that will now make her vulnerable to this predator. The relationship started out fast – intense, a burst of attraction and an amazing number of similarities. In retrospect, you think, too amazing. The “too good to be true” turned out to be, well, untrue. The cycle of drama – accusations, fights, threats of abandonment, and, ironically, your friend seeking forgiveness sometimes – keeps her off balance, on the ropes, without enough peace to think things through.
Very often, the women who find themselves in relationship with manipulative, emotionally and psychologically abusive, and often financially exploitative and sexually manipulative men, are the people you’d love to have for a good friend. They are high in the personality traits comprising the primary traits of Agreeableness and Conscientiousness. Agreeableness includes traits such as friendliness, honesty, a willingness to put others first, and nurturing. Conscientiousness includes loyalty, perseverance, and dedication. These people are often great parents and wonderful friends. These traits bite them in the butt when a predator exploits those very strengths to draw the woman into, and keep her in, a chaotic relationship that never settles down enough for her to have time to reflect and figure out what might be going on. Sometimes, her best hope is that she starts feeling like she’s going crazy and seeks therapy…and finds a therapist who sees, not codependence and a victim’s participation in the dysfunction to meet some unhealthy psychological need, but a person whose strengths have, in this unusual situation, become a trap.
Maybe you wonder, reading this, how good traits can be a trap…just think about your own history. Were you ever the team-member, at school or work, who dutifully did your share and more, while others slacked off and still got the shared credit? Has your loyalty been exploited by a “friend?” Have you loaned money to a friend or family member on a word and a handshake – only to be avoided, and unpaid, later?
Part of the trap for your friend will be, ironically, compassion for the predatory partner, who has probably included in his story a carefully curated tale portraying him as a noble and heroic victim. Her compassion, nurturing and desire to be helpful (those great-mom, great-friend characteristics) now propel her into fix-him mode. His anger at her can all too easily be interpreted through the lens of his pain and frustration. Out of care for what she believes is a suffering fellow human being, she gets tangled in self-blaming, guilt and confusion. She easily believes his supposed distrust of her that seems to erupt out of nowhere is due to his attachment wounds, and buys into a notion that patient endurance and reassurance will heal him. And yet…sometimes he just lashes out, apropos nothing, and then denies anything even happened. He berates her and tells her later she’s exaggerating, overreacting, imagining things. Stop making up lies about me, he rages.
So, if she wonders, half-rhetorically, on the few times you manage to see her alone, if she’s “going crazy,” don’t agree. Don’t accuse her of being codependent. Listen, actively. Gently question her: is it okay that he keeps texting while the two of you, who have known each other forever, have a cup of coffee? Does he do this a lot? Share your observations and concern for her (not criticism or blaming). Ask what keeps her in the relationship and, if she admits to feeling trapped, be kind and firm in your assurance that she has people to help her. She is not trapped, no matter how stuck she might feel.
The manipulative partner creates so much emotional turmoil and distress that it becomes almost impossible for the victim to think clearly. Part of this is because of the cognitive dissonance the victim feels: the confusion and distress of holding conflicting thoughts of this magnitude: On one side are the “good” beliefs about the partner because of their seemingly perfect match and on the other, the anguished, distrustful, terrified thoughts because of the confusion of demands, accusations and threatened abandonment. Your friend probably can’t think straight – for now – but, again, it isn’t because there is something “wrong” with her. She is in the midst of a prolonged trauma.
Thus, the most obvious (to you) parts of a solution may seem overwhelming or impossible. Moving the abuser out of her place? Not impossible. Moving her out of the abuser’s place? Not impossible. While she may feel unable to cope with the finances, her pet rabbit/dog/cat/bird, and the task of moving possessions, her concerned friends and family can easily help slice this problem into manageable pieces. Someone has a guest room or garage apartment or mother-in-law suite; someone can foster her pet at their home while the dust settles; someone has a truck for everyone to gather and load up so she doesn’t have to face the process alone; someone can coach her through changing all her passwords and un-merging her phone, etc., from the partner.
This situation is heartbreaking to endure. Keep reaching out; do not give up on your friend/family member/cousin. Maybe it’s even worth having a little movie night – without her partner – to watch the classic film, Gaslight, starring Charles Boyer and Ingrid Bergman.